Pretending...

Everyone was talking about pretending rasa nyer dalam sumer blong kenkawan the word pretending tu issue yg sangat hangat...so saya pun nak cakap about pretending jugak lah..i like da issue dat has been brought up by bonda...i myself honestly pernah pretending. y? well bcoz i dont want people to see me as weak...i am a very strong n tough person n i dont like people to look down on me i believe sumer org pun hv da same feeling rite. tak nak kalah ngan org lain tapi the sort of pretending dat we have been through bergantung jugak pada situation....

well before this when am with all da coursemate during the study years..honestly i am so rigid y?..bcoz am a kind of person who is stuck with conservatives kind of thinking.. y? sebab i cucu kesayangan nenek. sayang nenek jadi taknak hurt her..when i lost her its really devastated ...nak jaga hati n perasaan sumer org tua jadi pretendla i dont know what to do...tapi dalam hati sangat memberontak wish that i kat hv all da freedom like my fwens have.....i envy u guys....sbb i tak have da kind of feeling like u guys have... my family are all around me all da time....

now bila am all alone at kuching all by myself, i enjoy every single moment of the freedom dat i have....still i have to pretend y? again nak jaga hati family.....at kuching honestly speaking am not wearing any tudung lau i tak pg mengajar....am i being hipokrit well.....i just want to be myself after all da years pretending...but does dat harm anyone else? i dont think so tapi lau family tau mesti dowg sedih jadi we hv to pretend utk masih jaga hati mereka betul kan?....now i know how to respect privacy n pendirian masing2....i learned alot surely....sbb every tindakan yang dilakukan mesti ada sebab musabab nyer... its your life u can choose to be happy n u can choose to be miserable...bukan org yang observe u hv to go through with ur life.

since i was small, living with my father is not something dat i enjoy...most of the time am sad n terkongkong. my father sgt garang never say no to him ..tau la apa akan jadi later kalau u tak dengar cakap dia...i tak pernah hv da privillage of having things that i desire...lmbt la nak dapat n most of da time tak pernah dapat...masa i start living with my nenek i merasa la skit mewah tapi....itu pun masih lagi disekat kebebasannya..bila time dapat biasiswa tu wah! rasa best sgt .....tapi still i slalu hv to gv reason lau nak duit lebih..i have to....my biasiswa makngah pegang every week makngah bg duit.....sedey jugak la...tapi i know dia wat mcm tu ader reason nyer....am glad she did dat...

i once told my makngah i nak bl tu nak bl nie....makngah cakap bila kau dah keje u hv ur own money beli lah aper pun ko nak tak kan ader saper lagi nak larang sbb its ur money belilah.....i hold on to dats word n when i start working apa2 sahaja yang terlintas didepan mata n i like it i will surely buy...n i am satisfied after 23 years old i hold the desire now every single thing dat i desire i lepas geram i akan beli...am i crazy? well the hell with dats...I WANT IT AND I WILL GET IT...hahahahha....pretending or not pretending? live with it just dont over do it nnt its makan diri kita..............